Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
