I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
