We need to rekindle our bromance
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize