if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
