erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
