are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
