I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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