I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
