she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize