2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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