At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
