Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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