I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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