somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
