Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
