the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize