Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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