can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
