I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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