I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
