i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
