fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
