cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
