Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
