Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
