Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
