i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
