i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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