You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
