We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Congratulations! We have a period
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