she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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