Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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