Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
