I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
