I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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