Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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