Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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