turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize