I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize