I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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