Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
