I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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