? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
