me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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