god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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