new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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