What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
