You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
