they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
