Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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