Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
