Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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