I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize