Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
