Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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