This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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