I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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