Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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