Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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